10 weeks

How far along? 10 weeks
Weight gain/loss: None at my last appt. We shall see though.
Maternity clothes? No, but I can't wear my jeans at all anymore.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep? I'm sleeping well, but it is next to impossible to get up in the morning.
Best moment this week? Hearing Ben say "my wife is pregnant" for the first time :)
Food cravings: grapefruit, subway
Gender: No clue, but Ben keeps saying She now.
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? Nope
What I miss? enjoying food
What I'm looking forward to: telling everyone after our 12 week appt.

The waiting game.

That has been my life for about a year now. It all started with TTC. I was waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting for AF, waiting for my OPK's and HPTs and pre-seed to come in the mail, waiting for CD1 to hurry up so that I could start waiting all over again. And then the magical BFP comes. And an all new waiting game begins. Waiting for to get passed the 4-6 week mark when chemical pregnancies are so common, waiting to get further than I did with my last pregnancy, waiting for betas, waiting for the first ultrasound, waiting for the next appointment to hear the beautiful heartbeat again, waiting to find out the sex, waiting to hold your baby. But there it is. It's all for that last wonderful moment when you meet your baby for the first time. And it will all be worth it.

I never talked about my first appt :)

Our first doctor's appt was a week ago at 8 weeks. It was the best day of my life. Ben came with me, of course, not only because he wanted to see our little baby, but because I was a nervous wreck and never could have done it without him! I guess it was pretty standard as far as first appointments go. They took my medical history, and did a swab test. So Ben got to see how uncomfortable a vaginal speculum is! (Not up close and personal, but he could tell I wasn't enjoying it, lol.) Then the doctor took us back for the transvaginal ultrasound. I was so nervous. Those few seconds where he is looking for the baby seemed like an eternity. But there it was. Beautiful with a strong heartbeat. It brought tears to my eyes and I actually exhaled loudly. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath. He measured the baby and said I was 8 weeks, which is spot on from what my chart said. So he printed some beautiful pics and sent me off to the lab to get 6 vials of blood taken. (Ouch.) And now I just have to wait until July 5th when I get to hear the heartbeat again. I can't wait.

9 weeks!

How far along? 9 weeks
Weight gain/loss: none so dar
Maternity clothes? No, but I reeeeealllly need to invest in a Bella Band
Stretch marks? No
Sleep? I'm sleeping well, although I have to get up to pee a bunch. And I wake up crazy early and can't go back to sleep, which sucks.
Best moment this week? Seeing the baby and the heartbeat!
Food cravings: picles, jello.
Gender: I call the baby "she" but when I think about the baby, I picture a boy.
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? Nope
What I miss? not having headaches every day.
What I'm looking forward to: telling everyone.

8 weeks

How far along? 8 weeks
Weight gain/loss: TBD
Maternity clothes? No, but I definitely can't wear my jeans anymore.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep? I'm sleeping well, although I have to get up to pee a bunch.And I have dreams where I am constantly peeing.
Best moment this week? Realizing that I can handle this m/s
Food cravings: milkshakes, french fries, watermelon
Gender: I called the baby "she" the other day on accident.Intuition? Who knows
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? Nope
What I miss? looking forward to meals. Eating kind of sucks these days.
What I'm looking forward to: hearing the heartbeat on Monday!!
Weekly wisdom: - I am doing everything in my power to make sure this baby is healthy.

Puking at work

It reeeeeeeaaaaallly sucks. Mostly because our bathroom is shared with other businesses on our floor and to be honest it's not as clean as I would like it to be. So vomiting in a less than sterile environment really blows. Not to mention,I just had to tell a stranger I was pregnant because she was seriously concerned in the stall next to me. Ugh. I think I deserve a milkshake ans french fries for lunch.

TGIF, for real

I have never been so happy that it is Friday in my whole life. After waking up this morning feeling like death, I was unable to take a shower because who wants to take a hot shower when all they want to do is vomit? Not me. So I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, puked up my breakfast,and went to work. (Don't worry, I get off at noon today,so I will take a shower when I get home.) I need this long weekend in the worst way. Lots of sleep and taking it easy are in my immediate future, although I do have some plans for this holiday weekend.

Riverfest starts tonight. If you don't know what that is, it is a festival on the Arkansas River in downtown Little Rock, AR. It's great for live music, funnel cakes, and people watching. I live downtown and within walking distance of the river, so it's almost a requirement that I go. I just hope that I am feeling up to the greasy carnival food.





We also have a cookout at my inlaws on Monday. I hope they don't notice my lack of drinking and the vomiting. Hopefully I feel well enough to enjoy this weekend. Happy Memorial day!

Ugh

That is how I have been feeling today. I have puked the last three mornings in a row and I have officially decided to bring Pukefest 2010 to the office. But my sister decided to save my life and bring me these:




THEY ARE AWESOME. You should go buy stock in these things, because I am about to buy out every store that carries them. They are saving my life right now.

What I feel like doing at work today

And:



These symptoms are just a part of this wonderful miracle that God has given us and I welcome any and all that this kid throws at me. Having said that, HOLY CRAP I am tired and nauseous and all I want to do is go home. And I have 2 hours and 18 minutes left. But who's counting?

What to eat?

Because the nausea and vomiting have officially arrived, the question of what to eat has arrived with it. Nothing sounds good. And if it does sound appetizing, that thought only lasts about a minute before that same yummy food sounds disgusting. In the last half hour I have gone from wanting a smoothie to wanting a peanut butter sandwich, to anything with mayonnaise on it (which is weird because I don't normally like mayonnaise), to a bagel with cream cheese, to a garden burger. I REALLY want a garden burger. This one to be exact. (from Backyard Burger)



But, ::gasp:: they don't make it anymore! And now I must have it. But give me a few minutes and I am sure it will sound as equally disgusting as that peanut butter sandwich now does. And I am still left with this question: What to eat?

Good Morning to me!

I woke up this morning feeling like I have been hit by a truck. A pregnancy truck. I had trouble drying my hair between all of the vomiting. What a lovely way to start the day :)I am feeling a little bit better and I think the saltines are helping. The crazy thing is that not two weeks ago I said to my best friend, "I would welcome morning sickness because it would be a signal to me that everything is ok." So in a way, I asked for this. Silly me. But to be honest, I welcome every symptom this baby can throw at me. I am just so thankful to be pregnant.

6 week update

I was going to do a belly/bloat pic, but honestly there isn't much to show right now. Maybe next week. But here is an update:

How far along? 6 weeks 1 day
Weight gain/loss: TBD
Maternity clothes? None yet, although my good friend has a pile of clothes to give me :)
Stretch marks? No
Sleep? So much sleep. I used to have insomnia, so this is actually nice.
Best moment this week? Getting past "the day" of my miscarriage
Food cravings: chocolate chip cookies. I saw on on tv last night and HAD TO HAVE IT
Gender: No clue.
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? Nope
What I miss? Wine. And Diet Coke how I have missed thee.
What I'm looking forward to: My first appointment at 8 weeks four days
Weekly wisdom: I will not fear the worst. I will pray for a perfect, healthy baby.
Milestones: The nausea is kicking in.

I would like to AW my husband for a minute.

He just graduated from law school with high honors and I couldn't be more proud of him. I am so grateful for how hard he has worked and will continue to work for the three of us :)

It's official. I'm a fatty.

I am sitting at my desk with my pants unbuttoned. An attractive choice, I know. I am only 6 weeks and in denial that I need a Bella Band or something to help make the bloat more comfortable. ::Sigh:: I guess it's time to go to the maternity store before my boss comes in here and thinks I am a weirdo.

Six week symptoms:
-boob pain like you wouldn't believe. They are huge, full, sore and I occasionally feel like someone is stabbing me in the right boob with a knife. Ouch.

-constipation. I doubt you need me to elaborate on that one.

-insane amounts of gas. It is becoming a problem at work.

-starting to feel nauseous and gaggy at the sight of anything slightly unpleasant.

-I am eating everything in sight like it is my job.

That's it for now.I am thinking about posting a 6 week belly pic. Scratch that, a 6 week bloat pic.

Beta Numbers

So my betas came back very good! At 15dpo my hcg was 310 and at 19dpo it was 1924! That is more than six times the amount in four days! It has eased my mind a bit, although I am of course still anxious because of my loss in January. My progesterone was at 18.7 and I am taking prometrium just to be safe. I pray everyday thanking God for this perfect, healthy, baby that is growing inside of me :)

I've been MIA, but good things ar happening :)

So last Friday on May 7, 2010 I went out to lunch with an old college friend of mine. We sat on the patio at Cheers and had a good time reminiscing and catching up. She was in the middle of a story when I realized how bad I had to pee! But I didn't want to interrupt her, so I held it. When she was done with the story she said she had to go, so I decided to wait until I got home to go the the bathroom (this story is going somewhere, I promise.) I rushed home to find Ben painting the outside of the house and I jumped out of the car and blew past him yelling, "I really have to pee!" I ran upstairs and on a whim, decided to take a test. I was only 12dpo and it was the middle of the day, but I thought, why the hell not? It will probably be negative, but it's early so it won't really bother me. So I took the test. And there staring back at me was the faintest second line you have ever seen. And it was beautiful. I started shaking and crying and I showed it to Ben and he said, "Good. I knew it." Well I'm glad he knew it because I had spent the last several days bawling my eyes out over what I thought was another failed cycle. But I was wrong :) I took another test the next day to confirm and there was a wonderfully dark second line. So here we go again. Wish me luck :)

I stumbled across this...

I saw this bible verse and it's as if it was written just for me:

Therefore, do not throw away your confidence; it will have great recompense. You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised. Heb 10:35-36

and this one:

Do not lose your confidence now, since your reward will be so great. Heb 10:35
St. Paul was knocked off his horse at Damascus, and became a changed man from that moment on.
His act of surrender to the Lord transformed him into a new creation. After his conversion, his strength came from the Lord. So it will be for you.
Help me to be more confident, Lord You have become my strength and my joy.

I am irrational.

Every time I hear that someone is pregnant, whether I know them or not, I feel like I am going to throw up. I am officially not doing very well. And I don't know how to handle it. I have never been so angry and sad in my whole life. While I am so grateful for what I do have in my life-my husband, my family, a good job, a nice home-I can't shake these sad feelings. Which makes me feel like a horrible person, because I know it could be much worse. A miscarriage is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. So I guess I'll keep praying. I've got to feel better one of these days.

Finally some snow in the south

So it never snows here. And every winter we all sit and wait, hoping that this year will be different. We are like little kids hoping to get a day off from school. And we are almost always disappointed.

This past Sunday night the local weather report showed that we should expect a "wintry mix" of light snow and rain, but that it would mostly be rain. So everyone went to work Monday morning and no one rushed to the grocery store like we usually do. And that's when it hit us. Seven inches of glorious snow and we never saw it coming. You should know that seven inches in Arkansas is like 25 inches someone in the north. It was a winter wonderland and I had 2 days off from work. Glorious.

Why does this hurt?

I was just on the phone with a good friend of mine, and I think she just let it slip that her sister is pregnant. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. But the weird thing is that I am not even friends with her sister. I do not begrudge her happiness or children of her own. Why does the thought of someone else that I *sort of* know being pregnant bother me so much? It's not like I think the conception of all new babies must cease now that I am no longer pregnant. Blah, this sucks. Silly me, I thought I was having a good day.

I'm a wierdo

Two of the four pregnancy tests I took last week are sitting on my dresser. I have to walk by them several times a day, but I can't bring myself to move them. I don't want to keep them, but I don't want to throw thew away. So they sit there.

This sums it up

I saw this on a message board about pregnancy loss and it really says it all:

Pregnancy loss is real loss. Those who are here and those of us who have passed through have experienced death. It's not what society generally considers death, but that is only because society as a whole chooses to ignore pregnancy loss. It's uncomfortable, surreal, and scary for those who have not experienced it. There was no person, no life, no accomplishments to remember fondly and mourn. People do not ask about our babies. People often do not know about them. Society says things like "it wasn't the right time" or "it's better this way" or "God has a reason," and then they drop it and expect that it never has to be mentioned again.

But these deaths for us are very real. As real as the loss of any grandparent, friend, or loved one. The baby that no one knew was known by its mother, even if only for a moment. We carried these lost children, and we loved them. We loved them with a fervor that is matched by the love of any parent. We wanted them. We wished for them. We prayed for them. Some of us waited days in limbo to find out the worst. For others a moment shattered everything.

But for most of us, the mourning has been done alone. There is no funeral, no memorial to remember the life lost. Many of us experience postpartum depression in the cruelest of all tricks, because our pregnancies ended too. However, unlike those who society sees as having a "right" to PPD, there is no baby to be the light at the end of the tunnel. And because this death was not acknowledged, people forget. They tell us about their pregnancies, they avoid us because we're still "not over it," they call us out for having sad days or bitter days as though we should have more control than others over the grieving process.

I have the bittersweet experience of knowing all sides of the equation. I have been blessed with a child. I have lost pregnancies. I have been blessed again. I have known the sheer madness of grief, the pure joy of expectation, the momentary solace of hope in the face of uncertainty, and the crushing hopelessness of loss and it is enough to drive one insane.

May you never experience it. I truly hope you do not. I hope this is only something you can read and learn to sympathize with. That the next time you hear another woman say something bitter or roll your eyes at the woman with downcast eyes at your OB's office or lurk on another board that you look closer and see the pain behind these simple, insignificant moments and sympathize instead of criticize or condescend or preach to them.

It was over before it began.

I guess before I blog about the worst day of my life,I should tell you about the best day.

So the last couple of weeks have been full of emotionally draining ups and downs. On January 25th I went out to lunch with one of my very best friends and burst into tears because I knew that I was nearing the end of another failed cycle. I had had a negative pregnancy test the day before at 13dpo, and I felt that my period would come at any minute and I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Now I know that six months of TTC is not very long, but hitting that half-way to a year mark was really getting to me. I cried to my friend that I couldn't take it anymore and maybe I needed a break. She tried to console me as best she could, but since her pregnancy was a "surprise" she doesn't really know what this feels like.

Well the next morning, January 26th, I get up, take my temp and see that it is still pretty high. Hmmmm.....should I take a test? I have one internet cheapie hpt left. I tell myself that I will take the test, and when it comes back negative I will go ahead and order my opks and hpts and preseed from ept.com. I get up, POAS and leave it on the counter while I get back in bed to wait for the water in the shower to heat up. About five minutes later I get up and look at the test. And I scream from the bathroom, "I think I see a line! I think I see a line!" I try to make Ben look at it, but he says he doesnt see a line. But I make him look again and he says "I see one, but is it supposed to look like that?" Well by now I know that a line is a line and I tell him, "I think I'm pregnant." I then remember that I have a dollar store test downstairs and I go and take it and see another very faint line. But I refuse to believe it until I take a digital.

On my lunch break that day, I go to a friend's house to take a digital and it comes back "Pregnant." It was the best day of my life.

But it all came crashing down a few short days later. Friday night, january 29th, I started bleeding pretty bad. I knew what was happening. I screamed from the bathroom and Ben came in there to find me crying on the floor holding the toilet paper. I showed it to him and just kept crying. We called the medical exchange, although I knew there was nothing we could do. I went to the doctor Monday morning, they drew blood and gave me a vaginal ultrasound to confirm that I did have a miscarriage.

The day before my positive test, I thought I had had all I could handle. It's like the universe said, "Oh, you think that's hard? Try this." I am trying to stay positive, but to be honest, right now I am just angry. At who or what, I am not sure. I hope my heart can heal soon.

I'm back

So TTC was getting me down and blogging about OPK's and BFNs and AF was just not something I felt like doing. But I'm back. And luckily I have learned that I need to fill my life with things not related to TTC. So I can blog about those as well. So a quick update: I am on cycle #6, hoping to ovulate in the next several days, and then it's back to the 2ww. Right now I don't feel too terribly optimistic, but whatever. We'll see I guess.

Here are a few things that I have learned in the past 6 months:

1. Patience is a virtue I did not have before TTC. I have it now :)

2. I have never felt this close to my husband.

3. I really want a family with Ben.

4. I look at things in my life TOTALLY differently. I think I took things for granted before we started TTC. Now I cherish what's important.

5. I will have a family. I just don't know when yet :)