It was over before it began.

I guess before I blog about the worst day of my life,I should tell you about the best day.

So the last couple of weeks have been full of emotionally draining ups and downs. On January 25th I went out to lunch with one of my very best friends and burst into tears because I knew that I was nearing the end of another failed cycle. I had had a negative pregnancy test the day before at 13dpo, and I felt that my period would come at any minute and I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Now I know that six months of TTC is not very long, but hitting that half-way to a year mark was really getting to me. I cried to my friend that I couldn't take it anymore and maybe I needed a break. She tried to console me as best she could, but since her pregnancy was a "surprise" she doesn't really know what this feels like.

Well the next morning, January 26th, I get up, take my temp and see that it is still pretty high. Hmmmm.....should I take a test? I have one internet cheapie hpt left. I tell myself that I will take the test, and when it comes back negative I will go ahead and order my opks and hpts and preseed from ept.com. I get up, POAS and leave it on the counter while I get back in bed to wait for the water in the shower to heat up. About five minutes later I get up and look at the test. And I scream from the bathroom, "I think I see a line! I think I see a line!" I try to make Ben look at it, but he says he doesnt see a line. But I make him look again and he says "I see one, but is it supposed to look like that?" Well by now I know that a line is a line and I tell him, "I think I'm pregnant." I then remember that I have a dollar store test downstairs and I go and take it and see another very faint line. But I refuse to believe it until I take a digital.

On my lunch break that day, I go to a friend's house to take a digital and it comes back "Pregnant." It was the best day of my life.

But it all came crashing down a few short days later. Friday night, january 29th, I started bleeding pretty bad. I knew what was happening. I screamed from the bathroom and Ben came in there to find me crying on the floor holding the toilet paper. I showed it to him and just kept crying. We called the medical exchange, although I knew there was nothing we could do. I went to the doctor Monday morning, they drew blood and gave me a vaginal ultrasound to confirm that I did have a miscarriage.

The day before my positive test, I thought I had had all I could handle. It's like the universe said, "Oh, you think that's hard? Try this." I am trying to stay positive, but to be honest, right now I am just angry. At who or what, I am not sure. I hope my heart can heal soon.